another one bites the dust...

yes, it's true, i've completely blown it! i know some people check this site frequently to check on my progress or lack of and i just wanted to update to let everyone know that i've had a very difficult two weeks. i'm not sure what my problems is...besides emotional eating and general food addiction but suddenly when i was on the full blown diet with restrictions i kind of went crazy and couldn't get off limits foods out of my head. i really can't believe my self control over food is so limited. it's truly a lack of some kind of brain chemical, i'm sure. i'm a strong person, really i am...but this makes me feel so weak. part of me wants to use my living situation as an excuse, not that i'm looking for an excuse but i have no control over what my mom buys and eats. and i simply cannot walk by donuts, cookies, chocolate, bread, etc. on the kitchen counter and NOT have a bite. i feel very abnormal about the whole thing and most of all i feel like i blew $400+ on this diet i thought would work...very disappointing...in myself, not the diet.

why is saying 'no' to myself so hard? am i that selfish/spoiled/narrow minded that i can't think beyond eating ________. it's a very confusing and disturbing character trait or character flaw! Oh how I wish I could one day kick this FAT out of my life!

-1

This week I lost one more pound....5 pounds total. It was a difficult week. Last weekend when I began the restrictive diet I was craving things so bad. This week I started my period which would account for the tremendous food cravings I had. One day I drove by Sonic to get a Sprite Zero (no caffeine, no calories) and ended up ordering a small ice cream cone (no caffeine, plenty of calories:() Then I went to Chili's one night for dinner and totally ordered what I wanted to eat. Friday we were out of school for a 'cold day' (not a snow day, but a 'too cold for school'...literally! they closed schools b/c of the temperature!!) while I was home that day I totally ate the way I wanted to...my old habits haunting me. So the one pound loss didn't surprise me so much. I'm on my way to the grocery store...list in hand to stock up on good food and will try to have a more successful week.

Down 2 more

Well, as of today I'm down 2 more pounds since Friday. Yeah! This weekend was HARD...I'm mean yesterday at some point I wanted to gnaw my arm off. But, I withstood the temptation to eat everything/anything and worked through it. I think a small part of it may have been PMS, a larger part of it was I started the actual diet that is even more restrictive than what I was on all last week and my body was/is just in withdrawal. It was really a lot better today at work, being away from home and keeping busy helped. I had no idea how much I at during the day, especially if I was at home I was always snacking or cooking something. Honestly I kind of miss the cooking part...there is not much fun in grilling/broiling/baking fish, chicken, steak, etc. But, I'll get used to it and try to get more creative later on. I'm the creative cook trying appetizers, casseroles, and any other fat laden food. I love it all and it is a good thing that I do love a variety of foods because I actually like the large variety of fruits, vegetables, and proteins that I can choose from. What do I miss you may ask?...the carbs! I'm not eating carb free, but compared to what I'm used to eating it pretty much is. 4 melba toast crackers doesn't compare with my (previous) afternoon snack of potato chips and dip or my morning ritual of cereal and biscuit/toast with butter and honey. I mean come on? So that is what my body is missing, but I guess it will get used to it. I just hope I can keep it up. Yesterday I was ready to quit, but I didn't. It's a small victory for me!

Week One

I've finished the 'pre-conditioning' week and am starting my official week 1 today. I lost 2 pounds last week and exercised three days. Now I'm on a very restrictive diet (low carb, high protein) and drinking protein drinks and taking a variety of herbs and vitamins. I'm going in twice this week to weigh in, just for accountability and to make sure I'm eating right according to their plan. It's very time consuming and expensive to eat healthy and plan every meal and snack with such detail! But if it gets me in better shape, I'm willing to do it!

I bought a few Biggest Loser DVD's that I've enjoyed using this week for exercise. When it warms up I'll get outside a bit more and walk and play with the kids. But it's been too rainy and cold recently.

Everyone has been so nice with the comments and encouragement. I really appreciate my blog-support group! If you are working on this too, I hope you are having a great start!

My New Journey…

On New Year's Eve I bravely walked into my local Metabolic Research Center and signed up. I cannot tell you the range of emotions I had as I plunked down my money in hopes to start a program that I would be successful with. You all know from my blog history that I have been (or feel like) a HUGE failure in my personal life for the sole reason that I cannot get my weight under control. This three digit number on my scale controls my life like I never want anything to control me. I've researched and read online articles for and against this particular program, but it all boiled down to knowing two people who have been successful with this program, weekly accountability, and something new. I didn't want to re-join Weight Watchers, LA Weigh Loss, or Jenny Craig I wanted to try something new. I also wanted to work with a program where I could actually eat regular food…no prepackaged stuff! I understand the basic principles of weight loss are the same regardless of what 'program' you join…eat less, move more…however in my life it's never been that simple.

With this program I take a variety of herbs and supplements (sounds corny, please don't judge me!) Currently I take nothing…not even a multivitamin, so I thought these herbs and vitamins they recommend could only help me to feel better, right? I'm a little concerned about swallowing so many huge pills because I'm not good at that. Many are gel caps so you can't cut them in two either. After I attend the first class I will also buy some drink supplements and maybe a few other 'snack' kinds of things that they recommend, but the majority of the daily food is real food.

Other things I have resigned myself to are on my 'New Year's Resolutions List…" typical things like move more, walk, and exercise. I bought a couple 'Biggest Loser' workout DVD's and I plan to use them in the mornings before school. I despise going to/joining a gym at this size (I only want to go if I can wear cute workout clothes which kind of defeats the purpose of a gym). So the easiest way for me to get it in is to exercise at home. In order to do that I have to get to bed at a decent hour (before 10pm!) and wake up early (by 5am) but I've done that before and I can do it again. As it warms up in the spring I will walk outside also. I enjoy it…with my iPod and sunshine, what's not to like?

My biggest fear is not seeing results. But I'm going to honestly put forth a huge effort to be successful in this and I hope to post about it here more regularly than I have been. Whatever your weight loss/get healthy goals may be for the New Year I wish you much success! We can do it together!