another one bites the dust...

yes, it's true, i've completely blown it! i know some people check this site frequently to check on my progress or lack of and i just wanted to update to let everyone know that i've had a very difficult two weeks. i'm not sure what my problems is...besides emotional eating and general food addiction but suddenly when i was on the full blown diet with restrictions i kind of went crazy and couldn't get off limits foods out of my head. i really can't believe my self control over food is so limited. it's truly a lack of some kind of brain chemical, i'm sure. i'm a strong person, really i am...but this makes me feel so weak. part of me wants to use my living situation as an excuse, not that i'm looking for an excuse but i have no control over what my mom buys and eats. and i simply cannot walk by donuts, cookies, chocolate, bread, etc. on the kitchen counter and NOT have a bite. i feel very abnormal about the whole thing and most of all i feel like i blew $400+ on this diet i thought would work...very disappointing...in myself, not the diet.

why is saying 'no' to myself so hard? am i that selfish/spoiled/narrow minded that i can't think beyond eating ________. it's a very confusing and disturbing character trait or character flaw! Oh how I wish I could one day kick this FAT out of my life!

-1

This week I lost one more pound....5 pounds total. It was a difficult week. Last weekend when I began the restrictive diet I was craving things so bad. This week I started my period which would account for the tremendous food cravings I had. One day I drove by Sonic to get a Sprite Zero (no caffeine, no calories) and ended up ordering a small ice cream cone (no caffeine, plenty of calories:() Then I went to Chili's one night for dinner and totally ordered what I wanted to eat. Friday we were out of school for a 'cold day' (not a snow day, but a 'too cold for school'...literally! they closed schools b/c of the temperature!!) while I was home that day I totally ate the way I wanted to...my old habits haunting me. So the one pound loss didn't surprise me so much. I'm on my way to the grocery store...list in hand to stock up on good food and will try to have a more successful week.

Down 2 more

Well, as of today I'm down 2 more pounds since Friday. Yeah! This weekend was HARD...I'm mean yesterday at some point I wanted to gnaw my arm off. But, I withstood the temptation to eat everything/anything and worked through it. I think a small part of it may have been PMS, a larger part of it was I started the actual diet that is even more restrictive than what I was on all last week and my body was/is just in withdrawal. It was really a lot better today at work, being away from home and keeping busy helped. I had no idea how much I at during the day, especially if I was at home I was always snacking or cooking something. Honestly I kind of miss the cooking part...there is not much fun in grilling/broiling/baking fish, chicken, steak, etc. But, I'll get used to it and try to get more creative later on. I'm the creative cook trying appetizers, casseroles, and any other fat laden food. I love it all and it is a good thing that I do love a variety of foods because I actually like the large variety of fruits, vegetables, and proteins that I can choose from. What do I miss you may ask?...the carbs! I'm not eating carb free, but compared to what I'm used to eating it pretty much is. 4 melba toast crackers doesn't compare with my (previous) afternoon snack of potato chips and dip or my morning ritual of cereal and biscuit/toast with butter and honey. I mean come on? So that is what my body is missing, but I guess it will get used to it. I just hope I can keep it up. Yesterday I was ready to quit, but I didn't. It's a small victory for me!

Week One

I've finished the 'pre-conditioning' week and am starting my official week 1 today. I lost 2 pounds last week and exercised three days. Now I'm on a very restrictive diet (low carb, high protein) and drinking protein drinks and taking a variety of herbs and vitamins. I'm going in twice this week to weigh in, just for accountability and to make sure I'm eating right according to their plan. It's very time consuming and expensive to eat healthy and plan every meal and snack with such detail! But if it gets me in better shape, I'm willing to do it!

I bought a few Biggest Loser DVD's that I've enjoyed using this week for exercise. When it warms up I'll get outside a bit more and walk and play with the kids. But it's been too rainy and cold recently.

Everyone has been so nice with the comments and encouragement. I really appreciate my blog-support group! If you are working on this too, I hope you are having a great start!

My New Journey…

On New Year's Eve I bravely walked into my local Metabolic Research Center and signed up. I cannot tell you the range of emotions I had as I plunked down my money in hopes to start a program that I would be successful with. You all know from my blog history that I have been (or feel like) a HUGE failure in my personal life for the sole reason that I cannot get my weight under control. This three digit number on my scale controls my life like I never want anything to control me. I've researched and read online articles for and against this particular program, but it all boiled down to knowing two people who have been successful with this program, weekly accountability, and something new. I didn't want to re-join Weight Watchers, LA Weigh Loss, or Jenny Craig I wanted to try something new. I also wanted to work with a program where I could actually eat regular food…no prepackaged stuff! I understand the basic principles of weight loss are the same regardless of what 'program' you join…eat less, move more…however in my life it's never been that simple.

With this program I take a variety of herbs and supplements (sounds corny, please don't judge me!) Currently I take nothing…not even a multivitamin, so I thought these herbs and vitamins they recommend could only help me to feel better, right? I'm a little concerned about swallowing so many huge pills because I'm not good at that. Many are gel caps so you can't cut them in two either. After I attend the first class I will also buy some drink supplements and maybe a few other 'snack' kinds of things that they recommend, but the majority of the daily food is real food.

Other things I have resigned myself to are on my 'New Year's Resolutions List…" typical things like move more, walk, and exercise. I bought a couple 'Biggest Loser' workout DVD's and I plan to use them in the mornings before school. I despise going to/joining a gym at this size (I only want to go if I can wear cute workout clothes which kind of defeats the purpose of a gym). So the easiest way for me to get it in is to exercise at home. In order to do that I have to get to bed at a decent hour (before 10pm!) and wake up early (by 5am) but I've done that before and I can do it again. As it warms up in the spring I will walk outside also. I enjoy it…with my iPod and sunshine, what's not to like?

My biggest fear is not seeing results. But I'm going to honestly put forth a huge effort to be successful in this and I hope to post about it here more regularly than I have been. Whatever your weight loss/get healthy goals may be for the New Year I wish you much success! We can do it together!

Should I?...

I've been considering joining the Metabolic Research Center near my town in order to help me lose weight. I seem to need some help getting myself motivated and I met someone who is going there and has lost 30 pounds in about 4- 5 months. Basically it's real food, plus some vitamins/protein shakes/supplements. I need to lose 75 pounds and according to 'their plan' it would take me 24 weeks...the total program cost is $398 plus cost of supplements. The real benefit of the center in my opinion is one on one weigh ins, and one on one dietary supervision. While the consultants are not nutritionists or dietitians, just knowing I was showing my food journal to a live person could be helpful. I hesitated in even posting this since this blog has been so neglected in it's original purpose. Everyone has been so encouraging and uplifting in the comments you have made and that alone has helped me a lot! Has anyone out their ever tried Metabolic Research Center or know of anyone who has? I'd love to hear your opinions. Thanks!!

Another month and still no miracle

I haven't been posting weekly because what is there to post about when you're not losing weight? It's such a struggle and I so wish there was an easy way to conquer this! This weekend mom and I went to see Fireproof which was a great movie about relationships, specifically about the struggles husbands and wives face in marriage. Kirk Cameron was the lead actor and who didn't love him from childhood? I know I did. The whole movie just made me want to be married, granted the whole movie is about them trying to find their way through turmoil...the end was so sweet. It made me want a man to care for me, to love me, and to be broken if I was broken.

I guess I'm saying all this here because I really feel like if I don't lose weight I am closing the door to marriage for myself. (In my mind) Men don't want to date or fall in love with fat people. They. just. don't. I'm 33 years old and I've dated through the years. I've seen men call, respond, act interested when I'm thinner...at this size it's as if I'm nonexistent. I'm not the biggest person in the world, but sometimes it feels like it. I've been on e harmony and match.com in the past and have always made my pictures in my profile public because I want to be able to see the guys I'm reading about as well. And, it's so interesting to see the guys close out communication with me before they've even exchanged emails. Of course I guess I've done this before too...you can usually tell a lot about someone from their pictures. You know if you could be attracted to them. I post pictures that are honest (although I have thought about photo shopping my head on someone else's body!), but I think I look like a normal person...



Sure... I wish my face wasn't so round and that I didn't almost have a double chin and I would really love an olive complexion that wasn't so porcelain white, but this is me. I never really thought much about disliking what I actually look like until the last few years when I really know that men don't see me as attractive. It's not actually my face, but my body...a real woman size 18...smart, professional, funny, normal, and confident with everything about my life except the number on the scale!
On one of those sites you have to describe your body type...slender, athletic, curvy, about average, etc. You get to choose what body type you are 'interested in'. I've not seen any (or many) people check the pretty plus choice. I don't know what all the terms are but I'm saying the guys that seem interesting to me have put stipulations on their matches for them to be athletic toned or slender. I understand, I think it is a sign (to them) of weakness or another problem they want to not get into. But I believe I'm a good person, I'm not gorgeous but I can look nice. I have great taste in clothes and accessories. I'm just a regular person who would like to have a date with someone decent and charming of the opposite sex! I eventually got so discouraged from those dating websites that I stopped joining. I told myself...when I lose weight I'll try again. Just one more thing to add to my list of "Things to do when I lose weight"...I wonder when that will be?